Invite yourself back to writing, with kindness
In 2017, my daily writing practice was at its peak. I spent at least 15 minutes, and often more, writing first thing in the morning, every single day. Weekdays and weekends I would start with writing. Not only was I more productive than I had ever been, but my writing also empowered me to be a deep, creative thinker. These feelings bled into the rest of my life and it was a time of genuine happiness.
In the years since, my writing practice has waxed and waned. Some weeks I would write most days, others I would not write anything at all.
Some days, it was unconscious distraction with the goings on of the rest of my life. Other days, it was a deliberate decision NOT to start with writing. Writing breeds a vulnerability I was not able to face during some of my most challenging moments. I can now see, though, that writing was exactly what I needed during those difficult times.
Toward the end of 2018, I forced my writing into overdrive. I had 3 weeks to finish writing my dissertation after spending the prior two months recovering from a concussion. I felt like I was coming out of a deep, disorienting fog only to find myself at the base of a mountain of writing. I struggled with feelings of insecurity as I prepared my dissertation for the inevitable scrutiny of a close scientific read by my advisors, mentors, and peers. The anxiety of finishing my dissertation was all consuming.
Here, my writing became all about the outcome.
Finish my dissertation.
Complete a manuscript for publication in a scientific journal.
Write a job application without any flaws.
The stakes of my writing felt incredibly high. The product or outcome was the only thing I was focused on. I forgot, almost by necessity, about the process of writing itself.
Before this, my writing had always been about the process. I find great joy in picking the right word, structuring and restructuring a sentence, and discovering a unique way to tell a story. Writing is an exploration into my mind and soul that helps me figure out who I am, what my principles are, how I think about the world, and where my curiosities really lie. Writing is a central part of my learning process.
But in the flurry of finishing my dissertation, I let go of writing as a process, and focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. I still had fun writing my dissertation, but in the end, it was a rugged mountain I had to climb, rather than a tangled forest I got to explore.
It has been 3 months since I completed and defended my dissertation. I have spent this time slowly recovering from the stress of the sprint to the finish line. I have kept writing on and off, on projects that I need to finish. My approach to writing has still been very pragmatic — finish whatever it is.
Today, I am here to remind myself that it is okay to focus on the outcome sometimes. But it is time now to invite myself back to my daily, process-focused, writing practice.
As I come back to this writing space, I hear the calm voice of my older sister, a yoga instructor, in my head. During meditation she reminds us that the goal is to focus on the breath while you observe your thoughts. When you notice yourself getting distracted, do not judge, do not criticize, but simply invite yourself back to the breath.
I am applying this same philosophy to my daily writing practice. While distraction during mediation happens on the order of minutes, or even seconds, distraction from my writing practices can happen over days, months, even years.
I am here to be kind and gracious with myself. I am here to gently invite myself back to writing. No judgement, no expectations, just show up again and try.
It is okay to be distracted from your writing practice, but when you notice you have drifted away, kindly invite yourself back to writing.
