People use this adjective to describe me
And I absolutely hate it.
Sometimes I just can’t let things go.
It’s my biggest strength, and also my biggest weakness. I relentlessly pursue the things that I want. I chase after goals that seem impossible at the onset to prove to myself that I can do difficult things.
I am never stagnant, always growing. It’s my motto, tattooed on my ankle.
My personality can be described as obsessive. As soon as I get excited about something, I have a really hard time letting it go. I get addicted. I read all the books, attach my newest obsession to my identity and hold on tight. My obsessive nature is my best friend and my worst enemy.
I’m a classic upholder and I often experience a kind of tightening around my obsessions. The longer I’ve been committed to them, the harder it is for me to let them go.
Luckily, most of my obsessions have brought me a lot of joy. My obsession with soil has sparked a productive and fulfilling career with so much to learn ahead of me. My recent obsession with writing has helped me both in my work and personal life. My obsession with running is greatest gift I have ever given myself. I am healthier and stronger than I ever have been.
But sometimes, my obsessions exhaust me. The unrelenting pursuit requires that I maintain a high intensity — all the time. I am always up, my mind racing at a million miles a minute. I find it difficult to turn my thoughts off and calm my mind down. I am always buzzing with energy.
This high energy, intense state where I feel most comfortable. But also most uncomfortable.
I’m often self-conscious with my own level of intensity. I know it can be too much for some people. I have a strong personality. I know this about myself, I can’t help it, and I don’t really want to.
My intensity, drive, and obsessions are often framed as intimidating.
Intimidating — the adjective I never want someone to use to describe me.
The number of times that I have been called intimidating in my life is astounding. I hear it all the time, over and over, and I absolutely hate it.
I don’t want to be intimidating. I want to be approachable. I see myself as hyper enthusiastic and encouraging, not intimidating.
I am just a regular person, but when people tell me I’m intimidating it makes me feel, well, weird. Like I need to calm down. Like I need to be “less” of myself. Like I need to minimize the intensity of my thoughts, ideas, and emotions.
I will not accept the term intimidating to describe me, a strong, passionate, and driven woman pursuing her goals. I am finished taking on my “intimidation” as a problem of my own. I will no longer censor myself in fear that I will “be too much” for someone else to handle.
We are always “too much” of something for some, and “too little” of something for others.
Reflecting on how other people perceive you can help you get to know yourself better. The key is, you don’t always have to agree.
Never apologize for being yourself.
